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Rumpole
Moderator
Posts: 21249

Stick em all in here folks. Grey, your moderation skills may be needed.


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie to you.

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to  be with you.

 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

==================================================

 

 


March 30, 2012 at 4:09 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Rumpole
Moderator
Posts: 21249

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

 

The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

 

The survey was a huge failure because...

 

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.

In the US they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

====================================

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March 30, 2012 at 4:14 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Rumpole
Moderator
Posts: 21249

Records, meant to be broken:

 

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago.

 

When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time."

 

When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

=======================================

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March 30, 2012 at 4:18 AM Flag Quote & Reply

austral
Member
Posts: 478

In trouble with the wife ..... We were naked and she asked what I would like to do with her body.

Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

 

 

What is the link between female orgasm and late night movies?

Men are usually asleep before they start!   ;)

March 30, 2012 at 5:40 AM Flag Quote & Reply

sm
Site Owner
Posts: 3403

Glad I left this part of the site in Grey's care! Love the Five rules for men, rumpole.:D

March 30, 2012 at 5:56 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Grey
Member
Posts: 649

Time for me to redress the balance.

What's the useless bit on the end of a male appendage called girls?

--

 "It is in the shelter of each other that people live" - Irish proverb

March 30, 2012 at 11:17 AM Flag Quote & Reply

AnnaLyze.
Member
Posts: 1584

What's the useless bit on the end of a male appendage called girls?

'A man' of course....... :mad::o:lol:

--


I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.

 ~ Kurt Vonnegut.

 


 



March 30, 2012 at 6:49 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Grey
Member
Posts: 649

Hi 5 faba sister :)

 

Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think one would've noticed.

--

 "It is in the shelter of each other that people live" - Irish proverb

March 30, 2012 at 9:32 PM Flag Quote & Reply

paradocs
Member
Posts: 559

Freshly pinched from another site....


For Oldies,      [large plain font, limited text length]


 .

 

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and I said to my mate,

" That’ll be us in ten years."

He said, " That's a mirror, you dickhead "


--


March 30, 2012 at 11:00 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Grey
Member
Posts: 649

Well we got our first flag :) and as it was me that caused offence, and as the forum rule states,

"If there is any chance some one might be offended by something don't post it."

I amended in a way I hope deals with the offence. Just try to be aware we operate on different tolerances.

--

 "It is in the shelter of each other that people live" - Irish proverb

March 31, 2012 at 2:05 AM Flag Quote & Reply

austral
Member
Posts: 478

Goodness, if anyone was going to be offended, I thought my offerings were in the worst taste .   Bugger, I can't even win a bloody flag.

March 31, 2012 at 4:49 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Rumpole
Moderator
Posts: 21249

MOBILE TELEPHONE

 

You know how irritating some cell phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the whole world needs to know their business. When you have endured as much as you can stand, this is a good example of how to get your own back.

 

After a busy day I settled down in the train for a nap en route to my destination when the chap sitting next to me hauled out his cell phone and started up.

 

"Hi darling. Can you hear me? It's me, Dick. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a very long meeting. No, my darling not with the blond at reception. I was with the boss. No, my darling you know you're the only one in my life. Cross my heart my love etc, etc, etc.

 

This was still going on ten minutes later, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice....

 

"Hey, Dick, turn that bloody phone off and get back into bed!"

 

 

--


March 31, 2012 at 6:02 AM Flag Quote & Reply

AnnaLyze.
Member
Posts: 1584

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and

looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years

later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their

deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.

What did you think?" -- Steven Wright


--


I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.

 ~ Kurt Vonnegut.

 


 



March 31, 2012 at 7:13 AM Flag Quote & Reply

paradocs
Member
Posts: 559

So waddya reckon, good idea???  (from Imgur)


Image

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March 31, 2012 at 7:24 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Grey
Member
Posts: 649

Classic

http://youtu.be/TkOAUht3G5o

--

 "It is in the shelter of each other that people live" - Irish proverb

March 31, 2012 at 9:10 PM Flag Quote & Reply

Rumpole
Moderator
Posts: 21249

 A  biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he  sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the  lion's cage.


Suddenly,  the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and  tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under  the eyes of her screaming  parents. 

 

The  biker without hesitation runs to the cage and  hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful  punch. 

 

Whimpering  from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her  terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.

 

A Courier  Mail reporter has watched the whole  event.

 

The reporter  addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the  most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do  in my whole life.'

 

The  biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the  lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid  in danger and acted as I felt  right.'

 

The  reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't  go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and  tomorrow's paper will have this story on the  front page...

 

So, what  do you do for a living and what political  affiliation do you  have?'

 

The biker  replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army  and a Labor supporter'

 

The  journalist leaves.

 

The  following morning the biker buys the paper to  see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and  reads, on the front  page:

 

"AUSTRALIAN  SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS  HIS  LUNCH."

 

That pretty  much sums up the media's approach to the news  these  days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

--


April 1, 2012 at 5:26 AM Flag Quote & Reply

austral
Member
Posts: 478

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

No matter how much one pushes the envelope, it will still be stationery.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated during an algebra class - it was a weapon of math disruption.

She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

A backward poet writes inverse.

The midget fortune teller who escaped from custody was a small medium at large.

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain whilst have a root cananl procedure?  His goal was to transcend dental medication.

Last one , promise ..........

What about the two Eskimoes who were cold while fishing in their kayak?  Apparently, they started a fire to keep warm but the kayak sank .... this proves that one cannot have one's  kayak and heat it too!

:P

 

April 1, 2012 at 5:56 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Grey
Member
Posts: 649

'If you want marijuana - press the hash key.'

--

 "It is in the shelter of each other that people live" - Irish proverb

April 1, 2012 at 6:05 AM Flag Quote & Reply

austral
Member
Posts: 478

Yeah, I tried dope once.   Ain't divorce great!

April 1, 2012 at 6:22 AM Flag Quote & Reply

Avalon
Member
Posts: 448

Rumpole at April 1, 2012 at 5:26 AM

 A  biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he  sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the  lion's cage.


Suddenly,  the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and  tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under  the eyes of her screaming  parents. 

 

The  biker without hesitation runs to the cage and  hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful  punch. 

 

Whimpering  from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her  terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.

 

A Courier  Mail reporter has watched the whole  event.

 

The reporter  addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the  most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do  in my whole life.'

 

The  biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the  lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid  in danger and acted as I felt  right.'

 

The  reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't  go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and  tomorrow's paper will have this story on the  front page...

 

So, what  do you do for a living and what political  affiliation do you  have?'

 

The biker  replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army  and a Labor supporter'

 

The  journalist leaves.

 

The  following morning the biker buys the paper to  see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and  reads, on the front  page:

 

"AUSTRALIAN  SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS  HIS  LUNCH."

 

That pretty  much sums up the media's approach to the news  these  days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

LUV it !!!!  :D  :lol:

April 1, 2012 at 6:24 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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